Do you, like so many people, really want to make a change in your life but don't know where to start? Perhaps you feel too afraid to change and in that instant you make the decision to say no rather than say yes and then you wish you'd done the latter?
Well you are not alone, so many of my clients experience the same thoughts so I thought I'd share with you my 1 amazing technique that can change a habit and finally give you the kick you need to make that change. What's even more fantastic is you can start practicing this immediately.
My very simple and easy piece of advice would be to route out the truth.
Let me explain what I mean.....so I met one of my friends the other day and she was telling me that she doesn't like meeting new people. She distinctly remembered her father hating it too and even a particular time in her childhood which made her really scared. Nothing too bad, just that she saw her father's reaction and really felt scared in that moment.
Now, when an opportunity comes to meet someone new she feels an immediate reaction which often makes her decide to turn around and not put herself in that situation.
So I said 'how many times have you met new people in your life?', she said 'oh hundreds'.....' so I asked 'how many of those were enjoyable?', she answered 'most of them'......you see how when you route for the truth the two don't match.
So I said, 'ok so next time you're in a situation where you're going to meet someone remember that you've met new people hundreds of times and it's often enjoyable and interesting'. She sat for a moment taking that in and Immediately understood what a big a difference that would make. That one automatic reaction wasn't actually representative of the truth. It's an automatic thought she'd never questioned.
Questioning and finding the truth will make a huge difference to the decisions you make.
So instead of being driven by an automatic response it can be really powerful to route out the truth. Here's some example questions you can ask to get you started in finding that truth:
Then once you've decided your truth create a sentence which can remind you of that truth in that moment. Make it true and powerful for you. Then say it in that millisecond moment when you're making your decision. And as you say it, give yourself time to hear it........
This simple technique has the power to completely change your decision.
Have a go and give it some practise,
.......and if you'd like some help creating a powerful sentence comment below and let us help.
I hope that gives you something practical you can try out.
People are often soooooo busy rushing around with a head full of stuff they haven't got the brain space to even begin to embrace who they are. So what would you do if I said I could free up 60-80% of your brain space.....would you be interested? For me this is the first step people need to take if they want to finally have the mental capacity to begin in embrace themselves for who they are.
I run this activity with my clients and it's the most inspiring, thought provoking and effective tool which really does make a huge difference to their lives. Often clients report that this was one of the most powerful of their sessions. Today I'm going to share with you exactly what you need to do so you can do this activity for yourself.
This activity looks at your daily thoughts and every time I've done it with a client it turns out that between 60-80% of all their daily thoughts are not within their control. Just think about how much energy and time is taken up by all those things.....
60-80% of your mental time and energy!!!!!!!
Whats even more interesting is because they are outside of your control you could think about them for an hour, 3 hours, a week or even longer and it will have made no difference. Nothing will have changed no matter how long you spend thinking about them.
And what's really important is........
When your head isn't full of all this other stuff, it can finally have the space to focus on your stuff.
By refusing to focus on anything which was beyond their control, these athletic champions were able to bring all their resources to bear on what was within their control - everything from their physiology, mental maps and story to the actions that they took preparing for and competing in the actual event."
If your head is full of everything else it has no space to focus on what's yours to control. When you focus only on your stuff you're able to achieve much more.
Imagine taking that wasted energy and time and putting it into only things you can control, how would that make you feel?
All of these feelings add to a sense of freedom, which then allows you to embrace who you actually are.
So, what do you do?
So this is the first step to being able to embrace who you are. It's a simple and highly effective tool and I urge you to go and do it, right now!!! You might be surprised by how much of your mental time you're wasting on what's not in your boat.
Let me know how you get on and if you'd like some guidance and support you can always book a session with me and we'll do it together. Sometimes it's easier when someone else is there to take you through it and challenge you with the right questions. As always I'm happy to help.
Making this a habit does take practise. I've been doing this for 5 years and still find myself slipping sometimes. Catch yourself every time and ask yourself, 'Is this within my boat'. The more you do it the more easier it will become.
Until next time
You may have seen many quotes about getting out there and chasing your dreams, it seems to be on-trend right now. But are people in general settling for a life of ordinary instead of chasing their dreams? This week I share my beliefs around this and how the pressure and indecision can impact your confidence.
Firstly, I believe people do the best they know how and that people are all different. There are people who enjoy routine and the simplicity in life and there are others who like chasing dreams and adventure, neither is right or wrong - it's just different.
Confidence then comes when you're being your authentic self.
If you are a person who likes routine but feels like you should be out chasing dreams this causes a conflict. The same goes for the opposite, if you are a person who likes chasing dreams but you're made to follow a strict routine, it's also going to cause you an inner conflict which often leads to confidence wobbles.
People lose confidence for two reasons, your outer comparisons and your inner world I wrote all about this in this blog, it's worth taking a look if you want to know more about why so many people struggle with confidence issues.
You see the answer to this settle/chase dreams debate is more about who you are as a person and being honest with that rather than whether it's right or wrong to settle or chase dreams.
I believe the challenge is that people don't know themselves well enough to know if they're being their authentic self. Instead they try and live up to culture and other people's expectations. They look outward for the answers reviewing what others do, trying to understand what's normal and what is expected of them by others. They then base their decision on that which often leads to an inner conflict when this doesn't feel right for them.
Ask yourself honestly, do you like routine and a simple life or do you crave a life of adventure. Then ask yourself what are you doing right now? If the two don't line up chances are you'll be feeling a confidence wobble.
The simple answer:
If you are a person who likes routine and simple life - it's absolutely ok to do that and enjoy it.
If you are a person who likes adventure - it's absolutely ok to do that and enjoy it too.
Know yourself well enough to live authentically and be strong enough to tell others you're happy just as you are.
I hope this helps.
Why do so many people suffer from confidence issues and as a result, hold themselves back from living to their full potential?
The 2 reasons people hold themselves back
1) The outward reason.
2) The inward one.
I'll start with the latter, the Internal Reason:
We have an internal world which is made up of our experiences, learnings, beliefs etc. By design we are survival beings so we'll tend to tell ourselves all the reasons why we can't, shouldn't and aren't able to do things which either contradict or threaten that internal world of experiences, learning and beliefs because that keeps us 'safe'. Examples may be........
Whatever has gone before shapes our perceptions of anything which happens now. We look to our internal understandings to gain reason which helps us decide how to interpret the world. Everything is learnt and that shapes who we are and what we do.
Then we have the Outward Reason:
Lets talk about the outward reason...as a human being we naturally compare ourselves to our outside world, this gives us a measure to work out how we rate against that comparison e.g. if you wanted to get fit and were interested in body building. You may start by watching the body building competitions.
Or if you want to do well in meetings you'll start paying attention to how others conduct themselves in similar meeting situations.
This gives you an understanding of the comparison, what it looks/feels like so you can assess how you measure up.
How do these two reasons create a lack of confidence?
Depending on how you internally assess how you measure up to that outward comparison creates the feeling of how confident or not confident you feel. Let me give you an example:
Imagine you've just been asked to take the lead in a project at work........go on....just take a minute to imagine that right now........Ok how do you feel? Whats your head telling you??...At lightening speed you'll have already evaluated that outward world expectation 'to lead a project' and internalised yourself against that comparison based on your experiences, learnings and beliefs.
As an additional side note now-a-days there's so much information at our fingertips sometimes when people research the outward comparison that task alone can feel overwhelming and make our confidence wobble because we get so much input information it becomes confusing.
So what holds us back from living life to our full potential?
What holds us back is a combination of the outward comparison and the internal interpretation of that comparison.
- If we compare ourselves favourably and/or find that comparison motivating we will no doubt describe ourselves as having and feeling confident. In the example above if we deem ourselves ready to lead a project or capable of doing a good job we'll more than likely feel confident to say yes.
- Equally if we compare ourselves and we feel we fall short or will never be able to reach that goal or even that our experiences, learnings and beliefs are different we will ultimately describe ourselves as being not confident. Using the example above if we deem we're too shy, have no experience of leading or see someone else who you feel does it better, we'll feel a confidence wobble and probably struggle.
In my experience people tend to do more of the latter.
The first step to improving your confidence is to notice your thoughts. Currently your mind performs this outward/inward evaluation unconsciously. Whenever you notice your confidence struggle, stop and ask yourself, what did I just do? How did I evaluated the outward and inward elements of this particular situation?
Once you notice what you did, you then have the opportunity to decide if it was helpful or not. It's so much easier to change something once you're consciously aware of what you're doing.
A final note: Remember you are a learning being and you can improve, move and shape your mind (its called Neuroplasticity), just because you experience things one way now doesn't mean you can't learn another.
Have a great week.
P.S. I really enjoy sharing my knowledge and helping people understand themselves better, there's nothing quite like the atmosphere at my confidence workshops where we're all learning together. If you would like more support the details of the next workshop can be found here.